I am not Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555 anymore.
And while some of this might be shock/numbness, I'm pretty okay with it.
I'm anxious, of course, because I'm a widowed mom of two with just a little income from my late husband's Social Security (the kids get SSI death benefits until they turn 18 or graduate high school; I do not). So I need a job, preferably long term, preferably with a company that doesn't view me as Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555.
Possibly my boss saw the potential for this coming way back last spring when she said I might still need a leave of absence. I don't know how far back they looked to see this pattern they were talking about (they call it "work avoidance" although apparently my poor attendance (because it's covered by FMLA) does not apply. At least not officially). Did I screw up? Undoubtedly; I don't think anyone locally dislikes me enough to manufacture evidence of wrongdoing.
But I don't remember doing it. I feel like that means I'm not doing (or have not been doing) as well emotionally as I thought I was since Laston's death. I tried to fix it once it was brought to my attention, by taking it one call at a time, not letting my attention wander, being super careful to compartmentalize life away from work (never my best skill). To me that was the sensible thing to do; you make a mistake and you do your best to fix it. To the company (at least at Corporate; my union rep and the local management were gratifyingly shocked), that was apparently suspicious behavior.
Would that they viewed their own shady behavior - attempted end runs around the union negotiating team, anyone? - with the same scrutiny.
So yes, I made mistakes - lots of little mistakes at work = one big mistake. Not on purpose, of course, although burnout is probably a factor on a subconscious level. But I just finished a phone interview with a reputable vendor for major corporations based in my city (so Corporate is here and more likely to get to know Jenn than Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555). More back end positions. Less customer facing. This will be good. Even if I don't get this particular position, this vendor has good insurance and lots of jobs right up my alley up in here.
I'm okay. And I feel pretty good. Oh, and I can take the kids to 'Twas this weekend myself, but thanks for the offer. Click the link! Buy the tickets! For Saturday if you want to see my kids.
I need a new computer mouse though; mine has apparently been dropped too often. I hate when my mouse wheel doesn't work. Especially while job hunting.
I've got this.