Not really, not exactly.
But I was in fact talking about sex with a friend last night, and how long it has been. I said, "Well, let's see... There were a couple of months before Laston got sick, or before we knew he was sick, and he was diagnosed in October of Two Thousand Fift... oh. Ohhhhh. Oh, I am stupid!" (to which my friend said of course I'm not stupid; thanks. 💙💚💛💜)
I like to have solid answers to problems, financial, medical, mental health, all of them. And I was getting frustrated as to the vagueness of my symptoms this fall, that sort of unspecified depression and anxiety, insomnia and that awful feeling of being totally overwhelmed. I mean, sure, seasonal affective disorder, perimenopause, the state of the world, compassion fatigue, work the way it's been here lately, blah blah blah. But it was worse than usual. It was worse than last year, and last year was pretty damn bad.
But last year I was still numb in October.
And hoo boy, has the numbness worn off.
But when I was talking to that friend, the light bulb came on. Of course October is going to suck; it's the anniversary of diagnosis.
Not sure why I didn't see that consciously before, but there it is.
And knowing is half the battle; it makes me feel like I have some control over my being when I have something to point at as a cause or a trigger or a reason. And as that same friend pointed out later in that conversation, "maybe knowing will help shift it a bit, or at least means you can allow it a bit of space to be."
It helps to write it out, of course, and as I write this, I'm listening to a webinar for widowed moms. One thing the coach for this webinar has said that resonates with me, is that I don't have to feel guilt for not "getting over it." I know there's not a schedule or a "normal" but knowing it in my head and in my gut are not the same thing at all.
This reminds me very much of the Weight Watchers meetings, the being kind to oneself and the forgiving oneself for being human. And forgiving others in much the same way; their 'shoulds' are not necessarily my 'shoulds.' There is little to no way for x person in my life to understand how I feel right now, and they (generic they for this purpose) don't have to... and I shouldn't (there's that word again!) expect them to.
Nor should I feel guilty for not 'moving on' on someone else's schedule.
We all know how I am with guilt.
So now? Now I feel pretty good (at the moment; who knows how long it will last).
Because knowledge is power.
Which makes me a goddamn superhero.