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Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Aimless

That's kind of how I feel.

There's all this stuff I want to get done, but depression/stress/grief leaves me completely unmotivated. I don't sleep well at night, I'm having trouble sticking to my Weight Watchers, and it's all Eeyore or Puddleglum all the time over here right now.

My friend +Charlie Hoover, host of Geek Question of the Day on Google Plus, had the question last night of what the pecking order would be of the Emotions in the Pixar movie Inside Out in our lives. I wrote the below, and while it gave me a bit of catharsis (and it's fairly accurate), it just doesn't describe the feelings adequately:

"Anger and Sadness rule my roost these days, with Fear not too far behind. Disgust has taken a break; he got overloaded during +Laston Kirkland's final illness. Joy has come down with the flu, but keeps poking her head out to let us know she's okay."

It is definitely true, you know. I'm seriously pissed off at the universe for the unfairness of it all; I lost a husband and my kids lost a father/stepfather. I'm depressed for the same reason (and because it's October). Anxiety - about what happens to me and the kids and who gets elected next month and any number of other things - is rampant. After seeing the process involved in someone's final days, I am no longer squeamish about bodily fluids.

And then there's Joy. I do take joy in some small things in life, some of which I have posted on Facebook, and most of which qualify as Out of the Mouths (except the perfectly ripe pear; that was just amazing). That I immediately feel guilty for feeling joyful about anything at all is irrational, I know. But the joy is still there, in small quantities.

I guess what I'm saying it I'm seriously messed up right now. I thank all of you who say things like, "give it time," or, "you'll have good days and bad days." I know these things are true, and I should take it easy on myself, etc.

Easier said than done of course.

What I really am is impatient with myself. Impatience is not on our list of Emotions from the movie (but then neither are Love or Hate; we only see the five listed above). But I don't like myself this way, all unmotivated and exhausted all the time.

I feel aimless.

Although, in all fairness to myself, when I get up the energy/motivation to write one of these posts, I do feel a lot better. Maybe if I can just force myself to do this once a week or so, it'll get me going.