Aimless

That's kind of how I feel.

There's all this stuff I want to get done, but depression/stress/grief leaves me completely unmotivated. I don't sleep well at night, I'm having trouble sticking to my Weight Watchers, and it's all Eeyore or Puddleglum all the time over here right now.

My friend +Charlie Hoover, host of Geek Question of the Day on Google Plus, had the question last night of what the pecking order would be of the Emotions in the Pixar movie Inside Out in our lives. I wrote the below, and while it gave me a bit of catharsis (and it's fairly accurate), it just doesn't describe the feelings adequately:

"Anger and Sadness rule my roost these days, with Fear not too far behind. Disgust has taken a break; he got overloaded during +Laston Kirkland's final illness. Joy has come down with the flu, but keeps poking her head out to let us know she's okay."

It is definitely true, you know. I'm seriously pissed off at the universe for the unfairness of it all; I lost a husband and my kids lost a father/stepfather. I'm depressed for the same reason (and because it's October). Anxiety - about what happens to me and the kids and who gets elected next month and any number of other things - is rampant. After seeing the process involved in someone's final days, I am no longer squeamish about bodily fluids.

And then there's Joy. I do take joy in some small things in life, some of which I have posted on Facebook, and most of which qualify as Out of the Mouths (except the perfectly ripe pear; that was just amazing). That I immediately feel guilty for feeling joyful about anything at all is irrational, I know. But the joy is still there, in small quantities.

I guess what I'm saying it I'm seriously messed up right now. I thank all of you who say things like, "give it time," or, "you'll have good days and bad days." I know these things are true, and I should take it easy on myself, etc.

Easier said than done of course.

What I really am is impatient with myself. Impatience is not on our list of Emotions from the movie (but then neither are Love or Hate; we only see the five listed above). But I don't like myself this way, all unmotivated and exhausted all the time.

I feel aimless.

Although, in all fairness to myself, when I get up the energy/motivation to write one of these posts, I do feel a lot better. Maybe if I can just force myself to do this once a week or so, it'll get me going.

Day Off

Lizzy asked me this morning, quite innocently, if it was my day off.

Well, yes. It's my day off working at AT&T.

But it's nine-thirty AM, and I've already:

• gotten both kids off to school (reminding Lizzy to keep her hands to herself)
• eaten breakfast (and logged it in my Weight Watchers database, plus planned the rest of my day food wise)
• drunk one dose of caffeine and one of Gypsy Cold Care Tea
• talked with the DirecTV installers (they're working on getting me my employee discount and they can get me a clear signal for about four years due to trees in the protected wetlands next door; then we may have to move the satellite dish)
• run a load of dishes
• run a load of laundry
• folded some laundry
• tidied up a bit

This afternoon I have a parent/therapist appointment to look at ADHD/grief counseling for Lizzy, then dinner and homework with the kids, then taking Lizzy (not Abby) to rehearsal (the reindeer do not have rehearsal tonight, but the toys do).

Did I mention that Abby was cast as Comet and Lizzy as a toy/sugarplum? Abby is over the moon as it's her first non-ensemble role. Lizzy is excited to be the most experienced toy.

I feel like I've accomplished a fair bit.

"Don't Care How..."

I already posted this on Facebook and G+, but I decided to also put it out here on my blog.

As I have noted before, Donald Trump reminds me of a small, whiny, and entitled child.

Therefore...

Posting with sincere apologies to everyone ever involved with a production involving a chocolate factory:

-------------------------------------------------

I want a wall. I want a great wall.
I want a wall to keep Mexicans out.
And they need to pay for it!
Give it to me!

I want that girl. I want that other.
I want to grab them and have them,
On my arm, those pieces of asses.
Give ‘em to me!

Now!

I have the words. I have the best words.
You must believe me, my words are the best ones,
But now I need more words.
Give ‘em to me.

I want the works. I want this country.
I want to lock it all up in my pocket.
It’s my bar of chocolate!
Give it to me!

I want today. I want tomorrow.
I never said that, you all are just jealous,
‘Cause I have the best stuff,
The women and money,
But never enough stuff,
Don’t care how, I want it NOW!!!

I Don't Understand

WARNING: This is my quarterly political rant and as such is likely to contain NSFW language. Polite dissension is encouraged. Assholery (and I get to choose what is assholery; this is my blog) will not be tolerated. Name calling is right out and will get you blocked.

Here's the thing: I don't understand people nearly as well as I thought.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard about the horrifying things Donald Trump (heh - I typoed that as "Tramp" and almost left it that way) said about "kissing women and grabbing their pussies." This is a clear description of sexual assault, both morally and legally.

These things themselves are not what made me so angry; I have grown to expect nothing better from him. What upset me was the reactions of the people who still - for reasons only they know - support him. Let's look at some of the "reasoning" I've seen online today:

• "Boys will be boys." Bullshit. The men I know (because they are not simply overgrown entitled twits who would never make it through Wonka's factory alive) may think things like that. I don't know; I've never been male. But if they do, they have the common sense and the common decency both to not act on it, and to keep their big traps shut on the topic.
• "But Bill Clinton..." Bill Clinton is not running for President. Hillary Clinton is. Bill Clinton's personal decisions while in public office are irrelevant.
• "But she supported him!" Yeah, she stood by her husband in a time when he coerced/seduced younger women into sexual relationships. Stupid of him. Possibly stupid of her. Her reasons are still none of our business, as it has nothing to do with today, or with, you know, the actual workings of government..
• "But Benghazi/emails/Bernie!" Let's take those one at a time, shall we?
• Benghazi: The "we'll do anything to block Obama" Congress found no wrongdoing after spending a bazillion taxpayer dollars. Not her fault.
• Emails: Stupid? Yes. Illegal? Again, no wrongdoing was found except in the mind of the RNC, which as we established is not an unbiased witness.
• Bernie: This is the one that hurts me. I wanted Bernie. My labor union wanted Bernie. My late husband wanted Bernie. Whether Clinton herself had anything to do with the DNC in the person of Debbie Wassermann-Schultz fucking with the primaries or not? I don't know the answer to that. More to the point, neither does anyone else.
• My dad asked me early in the process if I would support Hillary Clinton because she's a woman. My answer was no (remember; I wanted Bernie Sanders). To me, qualifications are the most important thing here. If the qualifications were exactly equal, then yes; I would vote for the female or other minority. Baby steps.
• And Hillary Clinton is the most qualified person running. You may not like her and you may not trust her (I'm not sure I do), but she is the most qualified, simply by job experience.
• "But OMG, what about the children! Democrats want everyone to get abortions! Gays are adopting children to convert them! They think only Black Lives Matter! People pretending to be girls so they can see me in the bathroom! White Christians are being persecuted by being forced to acknowledge that other holidays exist! Jews control the media! Dems want to take all the guns of law-abiding citizens! There are a bazillion illegal Black Muslim Mexican Welfare Queens voting!" Again, bullshit. 
• Democrats as a group want people to have equal rights. That's it. That's all.
• Everyone's lives matter. Right now the black ones are at (much) higher risk.
• Living breathing women are people too. And the abortion rate (and transmission of STDs) is measurably lower in places where more liberal attitudes prevail, because places like Planned Parenthood can provide birth control and education.
• Transgender people are people too. I have yet to meet one who is pretending. And none who are interested in looking into bathroom stalls to see you.
• White Christians are doing just fine. It won't hurt to nod and smile at someone who says Happy Holidays (for the record, most Christians I know are good people who don't make a fuss about this or red cups or what have you).
• If Jews controlled the media, Bernie Sanders would be where Hillary Clinton is now. Same goes for the so-called "liberal media" as a whole. If there was such a thing, we wouldn't have to have this conversation.
• Muslims are people too. 99.94% are not trying to kill you.
• I know a lot of Mexican-Americans. I know a lot of people from India and Japan and Korea and other points south and east. Of f all the people I know who hail from other countries (and I know a lot; the degree is in Intercultural Communication for a reason) the only ones who vote (or receive assistance) are the ones who are legal citizens.
• Nobody's taking away your guns. Relax. As for the more-people-are-killed-by-cars argument, well... spotting the two or three logical fallacies in that argument is an exercise for the class.
• Gay people are people too. I remember Abby - then six - asking me why she couldn't have two dads and a birth mom, like her friend M. 
• All of these groups are just people. They all pay more taxes than Donald Trump.

I guess what I want to know is why anyone with an ounce of conscience could vote for Donald Trump. I even have acquaintances who still plan to, and I just do not grok. 

As for third-party voters, well... I've been one. Their candidates get the short end all the time. I'm just afraid it's unrealistically idealistic to vote third party in this election.

Yes, I know you get told that all the time; "it's not a good time for a protest vote," or, "it's a wasted vote." In general I don't believe that is true; this system is hella-broken. But I think at this point it's more important to vote Democrat for president, and third party in the lower echelons, especially if you are a liberal progressive of any sort. You get enough Bernies in the legislative branch and they can make Hillary Clinton more progressive while she's in office.

Ain't nobody who can make Veruca Salt Donald Trump do anything he doesn't want to.

More than Just the Boobies

Don't get me wrong; I am so, so glad that cancer - any cancer - gets an awareness month.

It's needed.

But oh my Google; I went to a couple of different stores today, one "health food" and one more conventional, and the amount of pink in October... I just find it depressing to know that we've been Saving the Tatas for years now, and there's still no cure.

Not for Boobies. Not for Butts.

Maybe for the girly bits, but I need to do more research on the HPV vaccine (and please let's not make this thread into a vax vs antivax debate; this is my rant).

And the fact that most insurance companies don't pay for colonoscopies until the patient is fifty; that's just stupid. At least Leanna and Lizzy will be able to get their earlier; their father died of colon cancer after all.

Anyway <shakes self> enough of that gloom and doom. Maybe it's partly because October is also the beginning of getting up to work before dawn.

So... at PCC today I got the most beautiful squash. There are three squashes of different types cooling after baking right now, some savory, some sweet. They also had the kids' Zevia pop on sale, including the caffeine free cola. So we're having squash and leftover mac and cheese that Abby made for dinner (for me that's no mac and cheese; I don't need the dairy or the starch and I'll stick with a hard-boiled egg or two with my squash).

I also got a couple loads of laundry, a load of dishes, and quite a lot of cooking done in addition to the shopping; this was after a meeting with the school folks about ADHD accomodations for Lizzy. They totally agree that she doesn't need any special education; the wiggle cushions and other kinetic/tactile focus tools are enough. We just need official word from her doctor that she does indeed have ADHD or something like it (and anyone who has ever met the child would agree) and she'll have access to those focus tools through college.

As I went through this same school district, they didn't realize there was anything wrong until 8th grade, and it was um... not a good experience, I'm kind of amazed at the openness with which the 21st century school system treats learning differences; the stigma appears to be nearly gone. The 1980s were not a good time to be a kid with a learning disability or three.

So actually, in spite of seasonal depression, pinkness depression, grief-depression and anxiety, and getting over a sinus infection... I got a lot done today.

I feel pretty good about that.