A Corner Turned

As anyone who follows this blog knows, my husband Laston died of cancer August 10th, 2016.

And on August 11th, 2018, I turned a corner.

You see, August 10th is Lee's birthday. As with last year, I tried my best - and so did Lee's mom - to make the 10th about Lee, not about Lee's dad. And it worked pretty well. A little sad, sure, a little wistful. But basically, a good time, because hey, Lee's birthday. Card games with kids ranging from ten to 18 (eighteen?! That means I have known Lee for 13 years!!), ice cream cake (and discussion of whether it is really cake if there is no cake, just because 31 Flavors calls it "cake.") Fun times.

But still, a bit sad, because well... because.

Then Saturday, August 11th? I woke up and it was like I was a new person.

I am absolutely sure some of this is for other reasons; I finally have a job (or maybe actually up to four jobs, because being a substitute for various functions in the school district plus the usual piecework writing is a lot of part-time work!), for instance, and although not everything is resolved on other fronts, one can see the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.

Part of it, or more like most of it, is internal.

My suspicion is that my subconscious mind went, "hey. Y'know what, Jenn? It's been two years since Laston's death. It's been tough, it's been awful, but well... nothing is irretrievably broken because of this."

And my conscious mind actually paid attention.

In the last two weeks, I have secured up to four jobs, taken several training classes, passed assorted tests, started writing two articles, and started planning stuff for the school year. I've been able to tell both gosh-you-look-friendly facebook flirters and political emailers to back the hell off. I feel physically crappy because of the awful air quality, but I'm emotionally so much more okay than I have been that I am able to still get up and do stuff (albeit masked and armed with a battery of inhalers), instead of lying in bed without the energy to do a damn thing.

Frankly, it's amazing.

Yes, I do get that there will still be bad moments, hours, even days or more. And counseling and treatment are still in play. But I feel equal to the task of dealing with things now.

And that is huge.