It's... been awhile.And I'm feeling pretty good, most of the time. I have a job I love (though it's something I never thought I'd do; I'm driving a passenger car for the school district, and soon I may be correcting papers for them too). I'm in therapy (my doc said, "Okay; you have spent the last three years concentrating on your late husband and your kids; time to help you work on you!") for anxiety and... not weight loss, precisely, but more like finding coping mechanisms that do not involve eating. It's all interrelated, of course, the coping and the eating and the (not) sleeping.
A few things I've learned, some with my therapist's help and some on my own...
- I am stronger than I think I am. I keep forgetting that depression/anxiety and the symptoms thereof (I'm looking at you, Fatigue and Perceived Laziness!) are not weakness. I'm more than willing to give others the benefit of the doubt on these things but not myself.
- I am not as strong as others think I am. The act of getting up (almost) every day and dealing does not mean I'm particularly badass; it just means I'm a person (and a parent) with Things To Do. My house is a constant mess, but at least I am getting up and doing something every day.
- My favorite salty snack makes me feel crappy. I was off the sunflower-seeds-in-the-shell for a couple of weeks (measuring them is a PITA), and I felt good. But I bought a package a few days ago, ate them over the course of two days, and now my lips are chapped and my skin feels dry. And that's the reduced-sodium one! Eating just the kernels does not seem to cause the same issue.
- I use self-deprecating humor to defuse and deflect away from conflict. Yes, I already knew that. But having a professional tell me so in so many words was... not empowering exactly. Awakening? Illuminating.
- I want people to like me. Yeah, another thing I already knew. And I am predisposed to like the friends of my friends because we have awesome people in common. But just as I have friends who have... issues with other people, so do they. And sometimes I probably am that friend. My only recourse is to apologize when I mess up and then step back. Getting my feelings hurt doesn't help any of us, least of all me.
- Another of the AlreadyKnewThatButNeededReminding things: While my emotional plate or coffee cup or whatever your metaphor is no longer full to overflowing every day the way it was a couple of years ago, it's still fairly full. Which means that news stories and misunderstandings and general atmosphere affect me more than they did say, five years ago.
- Different people have different coping mechanisms. This is one of those things that seem obvious until you really unpack it. But who's to say that one friend's asshole behavior and another's mistrust of everyone different from her and my own issues are not all different reactions to the same sorts of things?
- There is a difference between escapism and coping mechanisms. That difference lies in the ability to interact with other people at least some of the time.
Until I went back to the therapist, this blog was my therapy, or at least a non-food coping mechanism, like BSU or reading trashy romances. I may not need it as often with the therapist there (and she's fabulous), and the kids are getting a little old for the constant Out-Of-The-Mouths posts. But I still plan to do it.
Headed offline for most of the night.
Peace out.
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