Pride and Prejudice

No, not that pride and prejudice.

This is a more personal/maternal type of pride and prejudice, although it certainly has to do with manners, both mine and other people's.

You see, I am proud of my kids and their accomplishments, but I have trouble expressing that in ways that don't embarrass them (or me), or that sound fake because of the prejudices of the world we live in. Part of this is that we are very alike in some ways and polar opposites in others. And of course, with pandemic rules, we are all in each others' laps 24/7, which does not make it easier.

I'm so proud of Lizzy's fierce ability to stand up for what she thinks is right... but since it's usually expressed as her calling me out on incidents I don't even remember, I have trouble with it in the moment; her assertive personality and my conflict-avoidance are at odds. She's angry and hurt, I'm hurt and defensive, and it's not pretty. What I need to do is remember in-between times that I'm proud of her and why, and tell her so. Without sounding like a condescending jerk in the process, because if there's anything Lizzy hates, it's being talked down to. She's intelligent and she knows it, and if she often thinks in absolutes that people with more life experience think are silly, well... she's also 13 and ADHD and ASD. She'll get there or she won't, but I need to remember that she's not only a neurodivergent young teen. She is more than her poor grades, quirky behaviors, and variable social skills. 

When all I see are those things - the grades and the assertiveness and the neuro-atypical behaviors - that's my own adult prejudices making assumptions about a very complex person.

Abby is, if anything, her opposite in many ways, and that's nearly as difficult for me. I am so proud of her, as she is artistic - music, theater, drawing, dance, you name it - and gets good grades in everything except spelling. She's also indecisive to a fault, overly modest about her abilities, and so conflict-avoidant that she makes me look like a conflict-seeker by comparison. These things make me want to shake her on a regular basis; can you please, please just make a choice? But she is also naturally kind even to people she dislikes, forgiving to everyone, and appears to have gotten all the social skills that her sister has to work at so hard. It makes her easy to underestimate as being merely "the nice one" and I have to work on that too.

In any case, to end this introspective post, my goal is to make it clear to them that I am proud of them for who they are and who they are becoming. It's not a matter of "do this and make your mother proud of you," because I already am. I just need to express it better.