Sick and Tired

Not physically. 

But emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

I'm reminded of a song by comedian and musician Bo Burnham. It's called Sad, and contains the line, "my empathy is bumming me out." 

Oh boy, isn't it?

Think of how much harder it must be for people who live this stuff every day than it is for my privileged ass. And there are plenty of folks who have more privilege than I do - I unfriended and even blocked some I know in real life this week - who think they don't have it at all.

I'm trying to stay in my own lane online, and if you know me at all, you know that jumping to others' defense before I have all the facts is something I do habitually (and  I'm working on that). So I'm supporting Black Lives and other people fighting for the side of right, but I'm staying out of their way.

That said, some other ah - current events - are in my wheelhouse. Critical thinking, single parenting, allergies and related healthcare issues, special education - these are things in which I actually have training, first-hand knowledge, or both. People are exhausting right now, even for extroverts.

Some of that stuff is covered in this roundup of false news stories collected by the Associated Press - if the AP is compelled to get into Snopes territory of fact-checking outrageous claims, you know things are a mess. Some are issues of common sense and/or basic decency to me, but others are more concerned with their perception of constitutional rights (hint: nowhere in the constitution does it say you can't be required to wear a mask in public). Some people are willing to die on a hill of Black people finding white use of black emoji offensive. Some issues are too early to call, but everyone is still arguing about them anyway, like what school will be like in the fall. 

Look. On that last? We don't know yet. Just because a neighboring district is sharing their works in progress doesn't mean that that'll be the final state of affairs... for their district or ours. 

Believe me, I understand hating the moving target. I am not a spontaneous person; I like my ducks in a nice neat row, thank you very much. I learned to deal with the new normal and the moving target eventually, but I still hate not knowing WTF is going on. I get it, I really do, and I still feel that way. I'm trying to stay chill - mindful, if you prefer more formal nomenclature - of the world around me. Right now the world around me simply doesn't know. 

Are you an epidemiologist? No? Then you probably don't know more about the transmission of viruses than they do.

And neither do I. Or my county sheriff. Or anyone else who isn't listening to epidemiologists.

I've said it before, but I am super grateful that I'm not responsible for decision-making for a group larger than a household. 

Because if I'm exhausted by people who refuse to think or use logic or empathize, imagine how my state governor or my school superintendent or my county health commissioner must feel right now...

Tough Lessons

I was thinking today, as I called my dad and my father-in-law and my eldest called her dad (if you're not a regular reader, you know my youngest didn't because her dad - my second husband - died in 2016). Anyway, I was thinking that - as tough as this time is for us, with the Covidpocalypse and Online Learning sucking for us and all - how we really do have it easy compared to some.

Yes, I know my concerns and problems are valid, too; I've been in therapy long enough to grok that pretty fully. This is not the Traumalympics. But my concerns and problems are usually anxiety and money. We're healthy. We're privileged. We're safe. I've been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of weeks, and basically, I've learned to chill out about most things. And to follow rather than jumping in to save.

A lot of people don't have this luxury. 

That doesn't make my trauma any less valid, but it does give me some perspective. 

I don't have to worry about my kids getting killed - or even bullied - due to their skin tone or accent or sexuality. Even if we sometimes have trouble with bills, we're not going to starve or become homeless. Although our schools are not perfect, they are light-years ahead of where they were when I was an adolescent in the same district.

Sometimes even the most privileged have their issues - I am so very glad that I am not in charge of making decisions for anything larger than a household, because it's got to be a totally thankless job to be, say, a state governor or a school superintendent right now - but these pale in comparison to the main issues of the day. 

I've written about this sort of thing before. Yes, I have actually said that I agreed with peaceful protests but not rioting and looting (re: Ferguson MO in 2014). I have a whole blog post that essentially says All Cancers Matter. 

But I think (I hope) I understand it better than I did.

It's Not About Us - Or Maybe It Is

I've been very quiet about making my own posts - both here and on Facebook - during the past few days. I feel like it's not my place to give my privileged (yes, I am privileged in many, many ways) opinion right now.

I'm trying to follow the lead of the people most affected, and for me, that means amplifying their voices where I can, responding with care when I am asked a direct question, and supporting however I'm able.

And for the love of whatever you may hold holy, not getting in the way of progress.

Look, I dislike violence on principle. I can afford to, straight white person that I am. On the other hand, I am fully aware that not everyone has this luxury, and that this exact inequity is one of the key things in all this <waves hand vaguely at 2020>. From our healthcare system (insofar as it is a system) to our educational and employment and justice systems... they're all heavily weighted in my favor, even though I still decry a lot of how those systems have treated me and mine.

But the people fighting for their rights to exist as actually equal human beings - not just officially by law, but in reality - those are the people who need to be heard right now. It's why responding with All Lives Matter is an asshole move; of course they do. But right now the Black Lives are the ones in jeopardy. So stop centering yourself, fellow white people; this is not about you, or rather it's only about you in relation to Black Lives in this moment. You'll get your turn to be the center of attention again. Try not to blow it.

Which is another, related point... other topics which are only tangentially related to the issue immediately at hand? Now is not the time. Talking over people about whatever your pet cause is... is the same exact thing as saying All Lives Matter, and again, an asshole move. I keep seeing (well-meaning, white) folks going off on tangents about abortion or "black-on-black" crime or vaccines or what-have-you, and right now? Tone-deaf as fuck. If you look around you may notice that Pride Month is taking a back seat right now because as a general rule, oppressed folks support other oppressed folks. Not all, of course, but generally.  Because they know how it feels to be unheard forever.

Use your brains. If it's not about racism or police violence, take it somewhere else. I mean, have I posted my usual Cute Things My Kids Say here lately? Sure. But only in specific places, not to the world at large, not this week. It's neither the time nor the place.

You don't have to go out there and risk your physical health to protest. I'm certainly not; I'm keeping my asthmatic ass away from what they assure me is not tear gas, thank you very much.

But get out of the way. Support if you can. Shut up and follow for once in your life.