Fallout

Warning: This post will sound whiny.

And it probably is.

Because it's about a death in the family. Not death itself, but the ways in which death affects the family, even nearly a year and a half later.

So yes, whiny.

Here's the thing; when death is new, the survivors are so caught up in grief - and numb with it - that basic life skills kind of go by the wayside.

I'm not talking about making stupid mistakes at work, though as they only occurred after Laston's death, I'm sure it was a contributing factor. I did it; I'll own it. And I'm not talking about the inability to cope altogether; that's a separate issue that - thank goodness - did not really happen to me for long.

No, here I'm talking about things like sleep, and keeping track of bills and other papers, and comfort behaviors getting out of hand.

These things are getting better.

But I look back when circumstances force the issue and... well, it's not pretty.

I don't know where my social security card is, for instance; the last time I remember seeing it was when I applied for death benefits for the kids. This makes it difficult to get hired (legally) anywhere, and as I don't have a passport and I haven't seen my birth certificate in even longer than my social security card, it'll be a few more days even though I have a job offer at a staffing agency. My mom might have a copy of my birth certificate, but I have a vague recollection of her giving it to me back in the day.

That's really the problem, more than anything else; just about everything is a vague recollection. And since I'm not working, and I'm waiting on an appeal to the denial of unemployment benefits, I'm kind of in limbo.

Then there is sleep. I'm sleeping better than I was. Even Lizzy is sleeping better than she was (though that's not saying much; Lizzy's never been a good sleeper. I'm told this is very common in children with autism, high-functioning or otherwise). I imagine that this is part of the reason for the vagueness of recollection as well; sleep deprivation over the course of two-plus years, that I'm only just in the last couple months coming out of, is not conducive to thinking well.

Comfort habits could be worse, of course. For me, the worst of these is eating. Duh. I wouldn't be on Weight Watchers if I didn't comfort eat. I wouldn't need to. But there are other comfort-y things that are just fine. I've rediscovered a number of old Big Fish Games (mostly Hidden Object), and even a couple of SNES games. Replaying Final Fantasy VI (the PlayStation port) by myself and Super Mario World on SNES with Abby is pretty hilarious stuff as a rule.

And I already own these, so they're free to play, right?

Anyway, the whole point of this blog is to write it out so I no longer feel so whiny.

I have achieved that.