People Are Exhausting

A cartoon of me, a chubby brunette-and-grey
woman wearing blue, with an angry
expression and her right hand up near her
forehead. There is a thermometer shaded
green to red, with the top broken and the 
caption "I've had it up to here."

I've always considered myself an extrovert, though I've had my moments of introversion - a whole year of them immediately following Laston's death. 

But lately, circumstances have forced more introversion, if only because I'm choosing to stay safe, follow the rules, shelter at home, mask when I must go out, etc. 

So yes, some of my current... antipathy toward many of my fellow humans is simply less in-person interaction with them than that to which I am accustomed.

But quite a lot of it is their horrifying, selfish behavior. Even the people who are generally reasonable are completely losing their cool. And yes, yes, we're all depressed, stuck at home, tired of this. I try to be compassionate and give people a little grace. 

It's hard to do for some of these people, with their broken-record talking points, completely illogical thought processes, and skewed priorities.

Violence against Asian-Americans is on the rise?

The reaction to mass shootings is... making it (even more) difficult for brown people to vote? Rather than - say - enforcing the laws about what weapons are okay to have?

Unions are evil for protecting their members?

Personal squick means passing laws so girls can't be on the sports teams that match their inner selves?

"Support these poor sweet helpless people who can't speak for themselves" but... they could if you'd just shut up for a minute?

Discomfort with a given work of art is treated as Truth?

George Floyd's death is an intellectual exercise? Police are allowed to kill people because they did something bad once?

If we had done the thing when asked nicely, we wouldn't be in this deep?

Football players are traitors for kneeling respectfully but actual domestic terrorists are heroes?

"What about the children?" is an anthem for people... but it's really another intellectual exercise or they'd actually look at the things that help? Like healthcare, maybe? Or higher education debt? Or teaching children about personal space? Or actual real-life kids in actual real-life cages? 

It's 2021, people, get a clue. 

Maybe someday I'll learn to like (most) people again.

Unmet Expectations (That are my Own Fault)

Cartoon rendition of me, a brown-and-grey-haired,
 fair-skinned, green-eyed person in a blue shirt.
The expression is embarrassed
and the caption says "OOPS!"

So today I needed to order a couple things that are not normal grocery-type things but that we could really use. A long-barrel lighter or two, a funnel that will fit in Lizzy's art-project bottles, that sort of thing. Nothing outrageous or that I would need a specialty shop for, just... different to the norm for our household.

And I wanted them today, as I don't have any matches or other lighters on hand, and how am I supposed to light my daily reminder candle, with the power of my mind?

All righty, well, these are things one can get at the local Safeway, and I have that Shipt account so I don't have to go out in the Covidness of it all. So I got my online shopping cart up to about $31. Now, I could've stopped at $31 and paid $7 for delivery, or I could bring my total up to $35 and get free delivery, so I chose the latter.

Hmm... what do I want? Well, it's Safeway, and they have a decent (if probably inauthentic) Chinese-food section of the deli, so... I know! Kung Pao Chicken for lunch!

I wanted Kung Pao Chicken.

I ordered Kung Pao Chicken.

I even corrected my phone when it thought I wanted King Oso Chicken (What? I write in Spanish a lot more than I do in Chinese).

So the Shipt Shopper did what they do, texted me when he got to Safeway, asked when he had questions ("do you want rice with your Kung Pao Chicken?"), and thanked me for the clear directions to my house, which is tricky to find the first time.

I took my groceries in and put the frozen and refrigerated stuff away.

Then I opened the Kung Pao Chicken and it was... not what I expected.

I mean, I had thought Kung Pao Chicken. I had said Kung Pao Chicken. I had even typed Kung Pao Chicken more than once, including correcting my phone.

But the picture in my brain was General Tso's Chicken.

The Kung Pao Chicken was awesome; it really hit the spot and satisfied the craving. 

Not what my brain expected.

But awesome.

And that's kind of how my week is going so far. 

Not bad, not at all.

Just not what I thought I wanted.

Of Cats, Hats, Eggs, Ham, and Gendered Potatoes

If you've been paying attention at all, you know that a) Hasbro changed the name of the line to Potato Head - they're not taking away your gendered potatoes, and b) the people who actually own the copyrights to Dr. Seuss books made a choice to stop printing six of the hundred or so books, and six of the more obscure ones at that. Neither decision had anything to do with your rights being taken away, neither had anything at all to do with the new and relatively competent federal government in the United States, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something.

Probably guns, as these tend to be the same people who have convinced you that you need them to protect yourself from - I dunno - random marauding tree-huggers?

You people need to get a grip,

A cartoon of me, a fair-skinned, green-eyed
person, in a potato costume, lying prone.
The caption reads "potato."

It's not like that, you little drip.
No-one's taking cats in hats,
Or eggs and ham or this or that.

Not killing babies, taking guns,
Nor stopping you from having sons,
We're putting health and safety first,
That's it, that's all, you're not coerced.

We just want people to be seen,
As more important than the green,
So next time you turn on the Fox,
(Not Fox in Socks, the one in-box),
Think back to who has told you things,
Remember who this message brings.

They prey on fear of black and brown,
And gays and lib'ruls in your town,
And that the babies will be killed,
And that your guns will be re-milled.

What they don't tell you is that this,
Their message, it's a bunch of piss.
They want you fearing folks like me,
Who want us all alive and free.

So you do you, don't wear the mask,
But don't be shocked when people ask,
Why you only care for those,
Just like you; that's what you chose.

Outrage over gendered tater,
Demands that to you we must cater,
Cats and eggs and ham, it's mindless
Heedless of good sense or kindness,

Maybe someday you will see,
There's more than your view versus me.

But What About Me?

Cartoon rendition of me,
with brown-and-grey hair, fair skin,
green eyes, and a sarcastic expression

I have a half-formed thought, and I'm going to flesh it out here in my blog.

The people who want school back in person right now come hell or high water, and the people who get all bent out of shape because they didn't get X deal so why should anyone else, these groups seem to have a lot of overlap.

I'm sure there's a Venn diagram in this somewhere.

The folks who are upset about a proposed $15 minimum wage or the ones who are mad because they've already paid off their student loans so why should anyone else get a break? And the ones who seem to think that only their families' experiences count regarding online schooling? These are very often the same people.

Is it a lack of empathy? Some of these people are seriously being bullies by this point. Especially to teachers, whom they seem to think of as some sort of sacrificial lambs.

An inability to imagine other ways to do things? Sometimes things need to be done differently. Like hybrid schooling. Or in our house, lots and lots of art projects and baking, and taking the lessons that come with them. 

Unrestrained capitalism? The mindset of "our kids are falling behind" presumes that they're going to come out the other side of this into the same world, because falling behind whom? People competing for the same jobs in the same sectors doing the same things they always have? I think that's unlikely.

Or D: All of the above?

I mean, Abby is a senior in high school. She's doing fine academically with online schooling, but she loathes it, and she's a very social person. She is Not Happy, but she's also - despite her sometimes vague aspect and her indecisive nature - very pragmatic in many ways. She's more or less of the opinion that we'll get there eventually and everyone should just chill.

Liz is in seventh grade, not doing well academically or socially with distance learning, and still realizes she's safer at home, regardless of boredom and apathy and general teenage angst, pandemic edition. And I am honestly not that fussed about it. The requirements have been made very clear: she has to at least pass her classes. Anything more than passing, in seventh grade during a pandemic, is a bonus.

Many people are so caught up in the "normal" that they can't see that it's gone. They just want it back so desperately that they are actually torches-and-pitchforks about it.

Ah, I guess that means E is All of the Above. Evidently D: is Cannot Cope with Change.

I might not be great at change, but if there's one thing I learned during Laston's last illness and after his death, it's that Things Change. They just do.

Quit hanging onto the Old Normal. It's gone. Deal with what's going on now.

Drawing Lines

A cartoon of me, a chubby brunette-and-grey
woman wearing blue, with an angry
expression and her right hand up near her
forehead. There is a thermometer shaded
green to red, with the top broken and the 
caption "I've had it up to here."

I had a very interesting conversation with my middle-school baby-Social Justice Warrior daughter Lizzy yesterday. 

It started a few days earlier with her wanting an "Eat the Rich" hoodie and me not having the ready cash to buy it for her, because I'm, well... not rich. I explained the difference between a tax return and a tax refund that day, acknowledged that I knew the hoodie was a limited-availability item, and that when I got my tax refund, I would attempt to track one down on eBay for her, as I did one of her sister's Christmas gifts when that merch store closed down. (all together now - Unas Annas Unus Annus...)

Between that discussion, still more recent allegations that some Really Great Creators are Really Awful People, my complete horror at the attitude of 90% of Republicans in Congress during the impeachment hearings and a dishearteningly vocal number of parents in my school district, and one of Lizzy's current favorite political songs (WARNING: lots and lots of profane and obscene language), I started formulating a question... but I had to find the right time to pose it, and to be careful how I pose it; she's in that edgy-defensiveness stage of adolescence right now.

Lizzy is on the autism spectrum as well as ADHD (so am I, most likely, but my diagnosis of "hyperactive with learning difficulties" is from 1983 and the criteria and understanding have changed considerably), and a teenager to boot, and she tends to be very rigid in (most of) her thinking. There's little nuance much of the time, and often complete intolerance for anyone who doesn't grok that. She can also be very defensive on the behalf of anyone she feels is misunderstood/disenfranchised in any way, although she doesn't see this defensiveness as empathy for those people.

So on our usual Wednesday outing, I asked her: "So, I think it's fairly evident that some billionaires (I named a couple of the more obvious tech type billionaires) are neurodivergent in some way. Where do we draw the line between cutting them slack because of socially acceptable behavior deficits and the good some of them have done?"

"If they hurt people on purpose, or if they hurt people on accident and they're not sorry and trying to fix it, or even apologizing, that's the line."

She said, as though it's obvious. Or that simple.

"Okay, but what about ones who have done some really good stuff at first glance, and then turn out to be awful? Even if they aren't billionaires, but just regular rich folks (I mentioned another couple of public figures that she might know)."

"Same thing, mom." Impatiently.

"And what about liking their tech or art or writing, even when we know the creator is problematic?"

"Eh. I mean, I still liked the Encyclopedia Brown books, even though they used horrible stuff in them that we don't use now."

So simple, boiled down like that. Her take is that as long as you're aware, why fret?

She's always been so much fun to talk with, and now she can hold up her end of conversations about the real world. 

It's kind of awesome.

Sleeping Like a Baby

Cartoon of me, a chubby brunette,
clad in blue, asleep curled up
on a cloud, with a night sky
showing heart-shaped constellations

 Or... not, given that babies wake every couple of hours, crying, wet, and generally uncomfortable.

I'm not doing that, not anymore.

This is for several reasons. 

1. While things are Still Scary™ out there, the imminent danger of waking up dead because 45 has offended someone dangerous is considerably lessened.
2. We're all still basically healthy at Chez GamersBabes and Co, in spite of The Plague™.
3. Due to The Plague™, I am highly unlikely to have to go anywhere in the Potential Snopocalypse™ expected this week.
4. I am evidently breathing all night now. 

While the first three of these - and the lessened anxiety thereby - are factors, the biggest one is number four.

You see, I wasn't. Wasn't breathing all night, I mean. Or not well. The at-home sleep study I did was ah... not inconclusive; I definitely have sleep apnea (stopping breathing during sleep) and sleep hypopnea (breathing very shallowly during sleep). Not enough oxygen = all sorts of issues, from raising the blood pressure to making one excessively sleepy during the day to brain fog to... well, you get the idea. Right, Mr. Flibble? WOO.

So I got a CPAP machine - the Phillips Respironics DreamWear (thank you, Molina Healthcare). 

This is not your mother's CPAP. For one thing, the "mask" is more like a harness of silicon tubing that goes around your head, the hose comes out of the tube at the top of your head instead of looking like an elephant's trunk, and the part that goes over your mouth and nose... doesn't. It's just a little soft silicon shelf that your nose rests on. It's all connected to a humidifier and respirator doohickey.

The first night I struggled for a couple hours - too much sensory input! - and then put on my favorite Sleep Story from the Calm App and was out in minutes. I don't have the stats from that night's sleep (I hadn't set up the myAir app yet), but I felt decent in the morning, noticed that my nose wasn't as stuffy as usual, nor my lips as dry. 

That was five nights ago.

The stats on the app show that I've slept between eight and nine hours every night since. Now that I am sleeping with it on reliably, not waking myself up because of all the sensory stuff, I'm going to wear my Fitbit tonight and see if it agrees with how restful my sleep is now. Neither is super accurate on its own - the MyAir app just knows that I'm lying down and the mask is fitted well, and the Fitbit just knows I haven't moved a lot in the last hour - but it will be interesting to see how their numbers compare.