Okay So It's a Slow Start

 Yeah, the bedroom redo is taking longer than anticipated. Surprise!

But I decided that y'know what? 

It's okay. My self-imposed deadline of end-of-day August tenth was just that - self-imposed. And really a goal just for the symmetry, not an actual deadline. Am I justifying laziness to myself? Maybe. But it's just me, it affects no-one else,  so no big deal.

Then I started thinking, because that original goal was, as I said, for the symmetry of a new start on the anniversary of Laston's death. It's a tough day anyway, and why make it harder on myself? 

Anyway, so I was thinking - I said to my mom yesterday - how I was surprised and gratified that Lizzy doesn't seem to mind wearing a mask. She has a number of weird sensory quirks, like her inability to cope with that one Outschool teacher's voice, and some food texture issues and so forth, and she really seems to need the sensory input of chewing on things sometimes. So I was surprised that a) she doesn't mind the masks and b) she doesn't chew on them. It may simply be that she hasn't had to wear one long enough for it to bug her; our schools are online starting September 2nd and it's not like she's been gallivanting about town. The longest she's had to wear a mask has been an hour or two for fireworks on Independence Day.

But it still struck me as odd that given all the grumbling about distance learning and missing their friends such, both my kids are pretty sanguine about all the health and safety protocols.

And then I read a note on Facebook about how kids think they're invincible, and it hit me like a slap to the face.

Because of Laston, they know they're not invincible. Or at least they know deep in their bones that not all family members are invincible. 

They may not even be aware of this consciously, of course.

But what a grim, tarnished silver lining that is.

New Starts

Yes, I am making changes in August instead of January. Why do you ask?

So my room is a pit - and has been as long as I can remember - because I am a slob have issues with executive function and getting started on a project this large is a big issue for me. And then there's the enormity of the project itself, the weather, the fact that there's a bunch of little crap from my desk at AT&T (from which company I was let go in November 2017), me not wanting to erase the last vestiges of Laston from our bedroom, a dust allergy, blah, blah, blah.

Excuses? Sure. Most of them are reasonable ones, though, and the weather actually helped in this case, but still, excuses.

How did the weather help? I'll tell you. You see, when Laston died, nearly four years ago in August 2016, I had trouble sleeping in our room. Lots of trouble. In early 2017, during the Great Cleanathon, I was convinced to make it mine instead of ours with him missing by getting a nice cushy mattress topper and changing the sheets and blankets and all that to blue (my fave) from brown (which was his). I also bought curtains but never got around to putting them up, so I was still using the temporary paper curtains from late 2013 when we moved in.

It worked for a while. About three years, assisted by the Calm app, therapy, and better sleep hygiene.

Then came 2020. And all it entails, and now it's not enough to have different sheets and a softer mattress because of all the stressors added - Covid-19, 45, the world at large, perimenopause, etc... I need a bigger change. Actually moving furniture, a change in perspective, space.

So earlier this week, in a fit of householder responsibility, I ran the sprinkler in the front garden. I remembered to tell Lizzy to keep her window shut. I forgot that I had opened mine a bit in the middle of the night. That paper curtain disintegrated entirely along one edge.

Now I have lovely dark blue curtains in my room. Lizzy helped me assemble the super skinny table I'm using as a headboard now (it's basically a shelf and a baseboard-heater guard), we moved the bed across the room to under the window; I have the cute little teddy bear I got from the Museum of Flight (see pic), a wooden tray full of reading glasses, and a small wooden bowl of lip balm on the shelf/headboard. There is a small table with a lamp and more small wooden bowls next to it, and a tall, skinny, oscillating fan near that. That - plus laundering sheets I haven't used in years and making the bed with them - was what we managed on Day One of the Great Bedroom Redo of 2020.

This project is gonna take a lot longer than the two days I estimated. This morning I have done yet more laundry, cleaned the blue bookshelf that has been outside the bedroom french doors on the (covered but still dusty and cobwebby) porch for ages (and will go over it again with disinfectant wipes this afternoon), and gotten rid of a bunch of scraps like empty shipping boxes and naked wrapping paper rolls. 

This afternoon I plan on taking more junk out and playing store-pitch-keep with it, cleaning the giant headboard, and swapping the headboard for the bookshelf. I may also do another garbage run, and rather than giving away the big-ass headboard or pitching it, I'm going to use it and an outdoor chaise lounge I was given for a reading/chilling nook on that porch. Oh, and I'm putting up fresh paper curtains on the french doors (black instead of white this time) before bed. The neighbors don't need to see into my bedroom, and neither do the assorted raccoons, chickens, coyotes, rabbits, cats, and other critters we have around here. 

I will post pictures when I'm done. There are not before pictures because, well... no. Just no.

Then? Then I'll have my space. 

The Great Barter of 2020

We still have Covid-19, conspiracy theories, "President" Trump and his cronies trying to Pinky and

the Brain, kids in cages or missing entirely, assholes of the all-lives-matter persuasion, haters of all sorts, anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers, the feds and some states expecting five-year-olds to deal with masking for a full school day when the adults refuse to, blah blah blah, etcetera, ad nauseum.

Yes, 2020 can still die in a hole. 

That said, in my (socially-distanced) circle, we have managed what one of the circle called The Great Barter of 2020, and it's kind of awesome. Some of them are circular. Some of it goes all over the place. Like this:

I brought my mom donuts. She asked me to take a loaf of homemade bread to M. Then M accepted the bread and gave me a gallon of milk that they got from the school's summer lunch program but won't use. 

That's the simple, circular (or equilateral triangular) version of this.

Most of the time it's more complicated but just as cool. 

I made a pasta salad. I shared the recipe on Facebook. Some friends in a different country said they were making it. I gave a small tub of it to my mom. My mom makes bread and gives the loaves out to me and some other neighbors. My kids went through the playroom at grandma's and got rid of the stuff they've outgrown. These are now on a table on my porch along with a few things from Lizzy's cleaning out of her own room. I sent a message to my neighborhood Facebook page saying these were up for grabs. My neighbor and her child made a smoothie stand across the street. We have joint customers who come for a smoothie and leave with books or toys and vice-versa. Another neighbor is holding a taco truck sort of deal in his yard. Everyone masks up when getting books, toys, smoothies, or tacos. 

I'm not letting people into my house - not even my mom - but a friend is in town and needs something printed. She sends it in email and I print it, then we meet on my porch, with masks, six-plus feet apart (it's a big porch). We have had several family holiday meals on said front porch since March. There have been more than a few chats with neighbors on the porch as well, neighbors whom I either didn't know before March or would just nod to when encountered at the mailbox or the dumpster or the school bus stop.

So... while 2020 can still, yes, die in a hole, there are a few good things that have come out of it, at least on a hyperlocal level.

Who would've thought a virus that keeps us apart would bring us together? Especially with the attendant folderol we've attached to it as a country?

But there you have it... the Great Barter of 2020.

More Cognitive Dissonance.. Yep, It Still Burns

I live in a land where there are no absolutes, everything is a spectrum... unless it's something you don't like.

Then your way is the One True Way and you're the Queen of Hearts and it's "off with their head!"

Oh, I'm a culprit here too. I'm zero tolerance on hypocritical bigotry, for example.

The one that bugs me most lately? The statement that "Biden is just as bad as Trump."

Um, no.

For one thing, with Joe, we get Jill💖. And assorted people who - while still politicians and therefore suspect - are at the very least not incompetent narcissists.

Would I have preferred someone else, as we are currently stuck in this two-party system? Yes

Do I like that the DNC is playing games again? No.

Am I worried about who he will choose as a VP running mate? Yes.

Do I like that he appears to be overly handsy? No.

Are there major concerns about his age? Yes.

Do I like what he has stood for every time he has voted on something? No.

Is Joe Biden demonstrably a better executive and human being than Donald Trump?

Oh yes. Definitely.

My friend Rekka put it like this: "there’s a major difference between a puddle of radioactive waste versus a pile of compostable manure."

Even if they both stink, at least there's some use for the manure. It can help other things to grow.

And when the current puddle of radioactive waste is allowing - even encouraging or outright requiring - the shit that's going down right now in this country? The first priority is to get rid of the radioactive waste. Vote progressive all the way down, hope that Biden's VP pick - and for crying out loud, Joe, quit teasing us! - is more progressive than he is, but please, please don't log a protest vote for President this year.

Don't let the radioactivity spread because you refuse to vote for the compost.

The Decline and Fall...

I mean, I hope it's not, in many ways. But when basic civility goes out the window, and everydamnthing has become political, well... yeah, these are my random thoughts about this week (and it's only Monday).

Here's the thing about masks. If you can't - actually can't, as opposed to won't because you think it violates your rights or is the mark of the beast or whatever excuse you've made up so you don't have to think about anyone but yourself - wear a mask, that's fine. But if that's the case, you should probably be staying home as much as possible, anyway, in order to keep yourself and others safe.

Yes, yes, exceptions for kids five and under and - again - the people who actually can't. If you're one of these, I'm not talking to you. Don't make it about you. It's an asshole move.

Then there's, you know, the little matter of random protestors being picked up by people in riot gear, without ID, in unmarked vans, and taken to other locations. In any other era, we would call this kidnapping, but in the good ol' US of A in 2020 it's apparently "law enforcement."

I don't even know how to unpack all that mess.

Teachers being guilt-tripped into going to work in their Petri dishes of workplaces "for the kids' sake" without thinking about how that impacts anyone: the teachers, the rest of the school staff, the other students, those students' families, the teachers' families, etc., ad nauseum. You know what? This whole thing sucks large for everybody, but throwing school staff under the bus isn't how we fix that. If we were a fucking civilized country, we would have a) universal health care, and b) a stimulus package for everyone on at least a monthly basis so we didn't have to go to work.

Failing that, which we have done and will probably continue to do, here's the note I wrote to our superintendent of schools this weekend:

I'm sure you won't have a chance to read this before the opening-school stuff is all said and done, but I thought you might like to see it in any case. You see, a friend online asked me what would my ideal school year look like at this point, given the covid circumstances, and this was my reply: 

Ideally? For my household?
I go to work (I drive a special services van for my school district) fully PPE'd, for one student per trip, cleaning the van and my hands between trips.
My eldest (senior in HS) has online classes except for Choir, Theater, and ASL, held outside or in the huge gym, six feet apart, and with face shields.
My youngest (7th grade 2E SpEd) has online classes for a couple hours two days a week at the school learning center with full PPE.
But that's us and only us. It gets me paid and gets the kids the support they need, with an acceptable risk for my family (as I am the only one at medium to high risk; I'm over fifty and have asthma). I'm lucky because although I am a single (widowed) parent, my kids are old enough to stay home without me here.
Our school superintendent is a competent, sensible person, with a science background, who listens to actual experts. I'll follow her lead, but that up there is my wish list.  

On that note, yes, I'm concerned about my kids falling behind, not least because Abby is a senior this year, and Lizzy is special ed and struggles with distance learning, at least with how they did it during the crisis schooling we had this spring. This is even though the goals they expect children to reach in American schools are both wildly arbitrary and too one-size-fits-all. But some of the other parents I know online are threatening to sue the district and the state and apparently everyone else because their kids are not getting butts-in-chairs minutes. Especially SpEd parents.

These people don't get it: THIS. IS. STILL AN. EMERGENCY. I know you want things "back to normal," but they're just not. And not likely to be any time soon.

Oh, speaking of people needing to grow up and learn to deal, please, please don't vote for a third party or write in a candidate or otherwise protest-vote. Not for president, anyway. I'm not happy with Joe Biden as a choice either, but I'm also an adult who sees the bigger picture. Vote as progressive as you like down-ticket (I plan to), but please, please don't log that protest vote for Prez. You want more bread and circuses? Because that's how you get more bread and circuses.

How Many Times?

Honestly, what's it going to take before some of you realize "President" Trump was a Bad Idea? That actual murder on 5th Avenue he claimed? Because nothing else seems to be registering.

Take going back to school in the fall. Which is something Himself wants us to do, he says for the economy (by which I presume (educated guess) he means his money and that of his cronies). He even bullied some of the scientists at the CDC into saying it was fine. And DeVos, well... I'm not sure what she wants unless it's solely to divert public school funds to her buddies in the private education industry. Which it may well be.

Me? I want kids in school for a) their mental health, b) their educational health (I have Abby, a rising senior in the arts and Lizzy, a rising SpEd 7th-grader), c) my mental health, d) my job - I drive a van for my school district, and e) “the economy” although that’s specious; dead people can’t buy stuff.

But I’m not willing to risk people’s physical health to make that happen.

And today a friend of mine who is not a parent posed the question online - what do the kids want?

I mean, they're not stupid. And anyone who thinks they're going to automatically say they don't want to be in school simply because ugh-it's-school? They haven't been listening.

So I asked my two.

Abby wants to be in school but doesn’t think it’ll be safe because of 1700 kids in her school, not enough room for distancing, and they can’t all be trusted to wear masks and whatever else. Probably the geeky fans of various fandoms would wear masks because they have examples in their media, and many others would, but not all of them, especially as our county sheriff is an anti-masker, so he's not enforcing the rules for these kids or their parents.

Lizzy wants to go to school for the sensory input and social benefits; she does not do well when things don’t smell/feel/sound right. I have no way of making our living room or her bedroom sound like a middle school HVAC system with whispering in the back of the class and people's soles scuffing the floor, making it smell like floor wax and adolescents, or installing floors that "feel right." She also recognizes how dangerous it could be, and as a child with sensory needs, understands how that can be an issue as well... especially for kids who chew on things to aid in concentration.

Neither likes distance schooling.

I suggested pods - still distance schooling but in small groups of people of four to six kids - in the same classes, in their own homes or yards or what-have-you. That way if someone gets sick, there’s a limited scope of transmission. There was some interest from Lizzy and a lot of objections (what if they don't get to pick their pod? What if they don't like their pod? What if...?) but guarded interest from Abby.

And, my own situation notwithstanding, we live in a fairly well-off school district.

But not well-off enough for the likes of "President" 45 or Betsy DeVos, apparently.

Imagine what it must be like for parents who don't have the same options. Guess their kids get to die, so 45 and DeVos and Company don't lose any cash money. Too bad for them.