The Four Fans of Christmas

It was a Very Fandom Christmas at Chez GamersBabes this year. The older girls can now get their own gifts for people, and so there was a lot of giggling over gifts. Lee got me a Thor mug, for instance, and my mom got Abby a Supernatural calendar (well, that one was more squee-ing that giggling). Abby got me a Doctor Who-themed necklace, and a girly-scientist kind of book for Little Miz Liz.

A good time was had by all, in spite of me (and the older two kids) white-knuckling our way down the hill from my aunt's house on Christmas Eve (as it was a White Christmas for the first time since, um... 2008, I think?) Lizzy actually slept through the whole ordeal; that may be the first time she's fallen asleep in the car since she was about three.

So, here you go, for the enjoyment of all:

Twelve SPN pix,
Eleven fandom shout-outs,
Ten-year-old a-sleeping,
Nine pairs of earrings,
Eight silly reindeer,
Seven chocolate candies,
Six appetizers,
Five Funko Pops...
Four silly clothes,
Three BrickHeadz,
Two boiled eggs,
And a renewed sense of Weight Watchers nee-ee-ee-eeeeeeed.

Once Upon a December

Not this one, although that role is in Abby's Top Ten list.

So, for those of you who thought that this would be the New Normal, be at ease. That one is simply for the purpose of making - as the URL suggests - a blog that is entirely safe for work... and more importantly, for potential employers.

But here we are, in December. Abby is fifteen (can you believe it?!). Lizzy is ten. We'e been through a lot this year, here at Chez Gamers' Babes, and in general we're doing okay. I'm unemployed, but confident in my ability to get work that will suit everyone. Abby got a role she really wanted at Studio East and Lizzy is being tested for the Highly Capable program in January (and getting a few test-taking accommodations for the process; her IEP allows for this).

I've learned that I have a lot more relevant skills than I thought I did, that the kids and I are doing pretty well in spite of the usual suspects of money issues, school problems (not a lot so far this year, thank Google), and the lingering effects of grief and loss.

In some ways, the holidays are considerably easier this year than last; it's been sixteen months now since Laston's death. Neither I nor those trying to support me are in shock and barely able to manage ourselves, much less support others. In other ways, it's a lot harder, for the same reasons. We're not in shock, so we're feeling it all, and some people... well, some people think we should be "over it" because it's been more than a year.

But this year I am more able to cope as well, presumably because the stressors are different; as an example, except for the past two nights, I've been sleeping well. The insomnia is now an unusual thing, not the day-to-day. And I find it very interesting that even though I really need a job, I haven't had a single migraine since leaving AT&T. That speaks volumes to my mental and emotional state while there, don't you think?

In any case, and in spite of my government doing its best to screw over the populace at large, life is pretty okay for me and mine right now.

 

Jenn Again

That's right. I am Jenn.

I am not Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555 anymore.

And while some of this might be shock/numbness, I'm pretty okay with it.

I'm anxious, of course, because I'm a widowed mom of two with just a little income from my late husband's Social Security (the kids get SSI death benefits until they turn 18 or graduate high school; I do not). So I need a job, preferably long term, preferably with a company that doesn't view me as Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555.

Possibly my boss saw the potential for this coming way back last spring when she said I might still need a leave of absence. I don't know how far back they looked to see this pattern they were talking about (they call it "work avoidance" although apparently my poor attendance (because it's covered by FMLA) does not apply. At least not officially). Did I screw up? Undoubtedly; I don't think anyone locally dislikes me enough to manufacture evidence of wrongdoing.

But I don't remember doing it. I feel like that means I'm not doing (or have not been doing) as well emotionally as I thought I was since Laston's death. I tried to fix it once it was brought to my attention, by taking it one call at a time, not letting my attention wander, being super careful to compartmentalize life away from work (never my best skill). To me that was the sensible thing to do; you make a mistake and you do your best to fix it. To the company (at least at Corporate; my union rep and the local management were gratifyingly shocked), that was apparently suspicious behavior.

Would that they viewed their own shady behavior - attempted end runs around the union negotiating team, anyone? - with the same scrutiny.

So yes, I made mistakes - lots of little mistakes at work = one big mistake. Not on purpose, of course, although burnout is probably a factor on a subconscious level. But I just finished a phone interview with a reputable vendor for major corporations based in my city (so Corporate is here and more likely to get to know Jenn than Interchangeable ATS Unit JK8555). More back end positions. Less customer facing. This will be good. Even if I don't get this particular position, this vendor has good insurance and lots of jobs right up my alley up in here.

I'm okay. And I feel pretty good. Oh, and I can take the kids to 'Twas this weekend myself, but thanks for the offer. Click the link! Buy the tickets! For Saturday if you want to see my kids.

I need a new computer mouse though; mine has apparently been dropped too often. I hate when my mouse wheel doesn't work. Especially while job hunting.

I've got this.

Same Sh*t Different Day

That is, I think, why I'm not writing as frequently as I used to. I can only rant about the same damn stuff our government (or the upper echelons of my employer) are doing so much (or I get angrier). I can only talk about my grief and depression so often (or I get more depressed). The kids are (thank Google) in something approaching a routine, and they're getting old enough that "gamers' babes" isn't all that accurate anymore (and there's a fair bit of "don't post that!" now, as well).

So this post? It's a summation of the past month. Some of it may be news to you, some may be not.

I have (re)discovered sleep. Sleep is my new deity; it's the best thing ever, and it's no wonder I was completely, utterly depressed/anxious/sick all the time before I started sleeping well again. It has most likely been that I was on high alert all through Laston's illness and after his death. That's two years of two-to-four hours of sleep a night, folks; this is not healthy. Even this last week, although I was ill with a sinus infection, I wasn't completely exhausted on top of it, and that made all the difference in the world. It helps with all other things, my eating habits, my exercise habits, less shouting at the children, fewer anxiety attacks/bouts of depression, you name it. I didn't even get my ah... monthly migraine this month. I'll get even more consistent rest once 'Twas the Night rehearsals are over (Abby and Lizzy are in Cast B, link at the bottom of that web page. Come see it!).

However, 'Twas notwithstanding, there is the never-ending, all-consuming problem of Money, or more specifically, Work. I've said it before; I love my coworkers (including local management), I enjoy my job (though I have to say that this has been a very stressful autumn), and I even like working for AT&T. What I don't care for is the ridiculous way in which the upper management folks in charge of negotiating our new contract think of us. Do they really think we're so stupid we don't see what they're doing? They keep doing these booster kind of things for morale, but I wonder, if they took the money (these are pretty high production values) they put into the cheerleading videos and plowed it into the people who work for them instead, wouldn't that be more of a boost to morale than yet another t-shirt?

And I'm not talking about the off-shore and out-sourced folks either; I'm sure they deserve jobs too. But they're cheaper and less consistently trained (based on the number of mistakes they make that we fix every day), and therefore AT&T thinks... what? that the people who actually work for the company should forgo cost-of-living raises and decent healthcare/PTO (because I used up all my paid time off earlier this year because of severe depression due to my husband's death, that sinus infection - two and a half days of fever - went unpaid), and fix the outsourcers' mistakes for less? We've been working without a contract for ten months. And AT&T has already tried to make an end run around the negotiating team by speaking to the union members directly. While this may not be illegal, it is certainly not adhering to the spirit of the negotiations, and seems to be unethical to me.

Let me explain this simply, AT&T: you're doing yourself no favors by pocketing extra cash for the shareholders and spending money on boosterism. That money could be far better spent on your actual workers; we'd be a lot more loyal and have higher morale. Quit emulating the federal government; you are a classic example of how trickle-down economics doesn't work. Think about it.

Now, on to happier things, and back to 'Twas.

Abby (who is nearly fifteen, if you can believe it) achieved her goal of a major role with its own song by the end of the year, playing Vixen the Reindeer. Lizzy has her first Big Kid role as a caroler. Now Vixen is a... well, she's kind of a shallow, spoiled brat (Abby is playing her as being that way because she's insecure, which I enjoy).

But my teenager is not shallow, spoiled, or bratty, at least not any more than any 14-year-old kid. But she's getting more than a little into her role, and sometimes forgets to turn it off. And Lizzy, being her late father's loud, feminine clone, is having her moments as well. I often get to say, "You, stop Vixening! And you, quit putting the ass in Asperger's!"

It's kind of cool that both of them just make faces at me and try to modify the offensive behavior. I haven't had to ask them if they want an Oompa Loompa now, or if they were going to Tosche Station for power converters, for months now. The gimme-gimme is less, the whining is less (except for Lizzy and piano practice), and in general, I think that we, as a family, are beginning to truly heal.

And that's really the important bit. All that up there, the rants about work and politics and all that? They matter.

But what matters most is that we're doing okay.

Knowledge is Power

Let's talk about sex.

Not really, not exactly.

But I was in fact talking about sex with a friend last night, and how long it has been. I said, "Well, let's see... There were a couple of months before Laston got sick, or before we knew he was sick, and he was diagnosed in October of Two Thousand Fift... oh. Ohhhhh. Oh, I am stupid!" (to which my friend said of course I'm not stupid; thanks. 💙💚💛💜)

I like to have solid answers to problems, financial, medical, mental health, all of them. And I was getting frustrated as to the vagueness of my symptoms this fall, that sort of unspecified depression and anxiety, insomnia and that awful feeling of being totally overwhelmed. I mean, sure, seasonal affective disorder, perimenopause, the state of the world, compassion fatigue, work the way it's been here lately, blah blah blah. But it was worse than usual. It was worse than last year, and last year was pretty damn bad.

But last year I was still numb in October.

And hoo boy, has the numbness worn off.

But when I was talking to that friend, the light bulb came on. Of course October is going to suck; it's the anniversary of diagnosis.

Not sure why I didn't see that consciously before, but there it is.

And knowing is half the battle; it makes me feel like I have some control over my being when I have something to point at as a cause or a trigger or a reason. And as that same friend pointed out later in that conversation, "maybe knowing will help shift it a bit, or at least means you can allow it a bit of space to be."

It helps to write it out, of course, and as I write this, I'm listening to a webinar for widowed moms. One thing the coach for this webinar has said that resonates with me, is that I don't have to feel guilt for not "getting over it." I know there's not a schedule or a "normal" but knowing it in my head and in my gut are not the same thing at all. 

This reminds me very much of the Weight Watchers meetings, the being kind to oneself and the forgiving oneself for being human. And forgiving others in much the same way; their 'shoulds' are not necessarily my 'shoulds.' There is little to no way for x person in my life to understand how I feel right now, and they (generic they for this purpose) don't have to... and I shouldn't (there's that word again!) expect them to.

Nor should I feel guilty for not 'moving on' on someone else's schedule. 

We all know how I am with guilt.

So now? Now I feel pretty good (at the moment; who knows how long it will last).

Because knowledge is power.

Which makes me a goddamn superhero.

Mind and Body

All that depression and the world falling apart and all has done a number on my body. Don't fret; it's just (another) cold. And, yes, Dad, I'm taking my vitamins.

But the vitamins and the meditation and the counseling and even the Xanax can only do so much when the mind is consistently being barraged with all this crap, and although yes, the body is not at its best (especially as it is fat), I'm still fairly healthy overall.

So I was thinking about it - my mind won't shut up at night, which is part of the problem - and there's a whole list of things that are, well, just life. Life over and above my weight. Bits of life that cause the immune system to go take a hike somewhere else.

• I'm still grieving Laston with all that entails - anxiety, depression, the works
• I have seasonal depression and it's October
• I'm in perimenopause, with all the fun bits of that
• The kids are both sharing the back-to-school crud (as are my co-workers)
• Heck, the kids, full stop
• My customers' stories out of Vegas and Mexico and Puerto Rico and Houston and Florida and everywhere really get to me
• Not to mention similar stories in the news, complete with toddler tantrums from the men with the nuclear weapons. And I'm on the West Coast.

So yes. I have another cold. And I'll deal with it. And if it turns into a full on sinus infection I'll deal with that; I have a prescription at the ready.

But in the meantime, I treat the symptoms.

Right now that means chicken soup and unsweetened grapefruit juice.

And meditation and sleep and counseling.