Permission to be Human

When I started planning this not-a-resolution post in my head, I thought Oh, I'll just reuse last year's post; it's not like I've mastered the art of enforcing my own boundaries while also not being a jerk.

But then it occurred to me that although I have not mastered it, I am getting pretty good at it, and besides, just linking and calling it good would be a cop-out for what I want to work on this year: being kind to myself. I don't mean being kind to me and ignoring those around me; that's not useful. I mean being aware of me and my relationship to the world around me - even when it's safer not to go out in it - and understanding that turning it off entirely is not self-care.

See, my tendency when attempting to practice self-compassion or even self-care is to either a) beat myself up for being "lazy" by doing "unnecessary" things or b) fret because I didn't get done what I wanted to get done (or thought I "should" get done).

I've talked about this before, on both counts, but I'm trying to get it straight in my head. The best way for me to do that is to write it down in my blog. And if I can come up with a good summation - such as last year's Do No Harm But Take No Crap - so much the better.

Let's take B first in this case. I have a spreadsheet for the winter break schedule (that the kids will probably only read if I force them Clockwork Orange-style). Mostly this is so I don't forget what I'm bringing to Christmas dinner, for instance, or which assignments Lizzy is behind on and needs to make up before January 4th. And although they're unlikely to read it, I do include the kids so they can't claim they were never told.

But I tend to make it a hard and fast, set-in-stone task list, and it doesn't have to be. This is where I fall down because of B above: I tend to get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stuff and throw up my hands and then I get pissy with myself and everyone else (for not doing everything on my list) and violate the first half of last year's not-resolution. 

So I'm trying to be more aware of priorities as part of this year's not-resolution. Yes, we do need to go through the kitchen cabinets before school is back in, both to throw out expired stuff and because my mom wants her Tupperware back... but the world will not end if the Christmas decorations aren't put away until the weekend of January 9th. In a similar vein, I doubt we're going to get to shoveling out the coat closet in the next few days, but I went through every single sock in the house, paired them up, tossed the ones with holes or no matches (or near matches; as long as they're from the same set the kids prefer wearing mismatched colors), found storage places for all our towels and bed linens that are not in a laundry basket in the middle of my living room, and reclaimed two laundry baskets in the process. That wasn't even on the list.

So suck it, Task List; I am the boss of you, not the other way around.

Then we have item A above, wherein I find myself treating things like meditation or reading or video games or Netflix or anime with the kids or board games or even my constant quest for better sleep as self-indulgent crap, not worth the time, energy, or money I may spend on it.

This. Is. Ridiculous. Those things are part of what makes life life, not mere survival. They're entertainment and rest and community and self-improvement.

So basically? This year - in addition to practicing last year's not-resolutions - I will remember that I have permission to be human. To do me, while allowing myself to do me and not to beat myself up for it.

And if I can improve on this as much as I did with the boundaries last year... goal accomplished.