Thanks, I Hate It

Though it wasn't nearly as bad as the last time. 

An image of a U-shaped red and
white magnet with gold lightning shapes
to indicate electricity.

But then an MRI for one's knee is an almost certainly less stressful experience than the one they tried to do on my head a few years back. That one was a very scary experience because it was at the end of a (later diagnosed) massive panic attack and I wasn't having a stroke at all. And, you know, going headfirst into a very loud and very cramped machine (at my size) when I was already so panicky that there were half-moon grooves in my palms where my fingernails hit my palms in my clenched fists.

This one was not pleasant, of course, but it wasn't horrible either.

For one thing, it was planned ahead of time. My momma brought me in and took me out to lunch after.

For another, I was only in the MRI machine up to about my waist. And I've lost just over eight pounds in the last couple of weeks, which is probably not enough at my size to have an actual, physical effect; it's enough for a psychological effect, though.

There was a video screen on the ceiling with a soothing sea scene of colorful fish and shells and stones and coral and so forth.

I had expanding earplugs.

Over the earplugs I had headphones, and the technician asked me ahead of time what kind of music I wanted. I was a little surprised that it was something I had a choice about, and said so. She said, "Oh, it's just Pandora," so naturally (being the 55-year-old woman that I am), I said that I would like 80s pop, please. I got Hungry Like the Wolf, Whip It, Footloose, and Eye of the Tiger, and so I was content.

I could feel my pulse in the right knee that they were scanning(?) Oh... Imaging, I guess.

I did my deep breathing a la Emergency Calm, which worked pretty well, though I have never tried to do my Calm breathing at the same time as 80s pop music before.

Afterward, I had a bit of a headache and felt slightly shaky/lightheaded. This only lasted a few minutes, and the tech assured me that these are really common reactions to being the focus of a giant magnet.

I just looked in MyChart and the results are not up yet.

So I guess we shall see.

Are You F*cking Kidding Me Right Now?

EDIT: Of course, after all that BS, it's sloooowwwwly doing its job now. For the moment anyway. Definitely on the First Thing To Repair list though.

If it's not one thing it's another.

So... as any of you following the sitcom that is my life know, I hurt my knee (more details here), and here is the Inigo Montoya summation: My left knee has hella-arthritis, my right knee probably has a torn meniscus root, but I can't get in for an MRI for another nine days. I can't drive (which means I can't work my day job) but I can do my side gigs of remote technical writing (if I can find any).

So... (she says again) I'm minding my own, feeling proud of myself for staying within budget for the Fun Things We Had Already Had Planned, feeling even more proud of myself for taking hold of my life and working to lose some of the weight that is affecting these knees in their first place. I got a really nice note from my dad (who has just introduced my stepmother(!) to my blog) for my writing style, humor, etc., and I was feeling good about myself, bad knees and unfit body and all.

And the water heater goes out.

This has happened before, including when were still moving in, over ten years ago (that time they just replaced it since it started out that way. Also, why in the hell do these things happen when I am injured and unable to drive?). It has happened several times since then - one time the plumbers even came out and took a look - but it has always been fixable by merely resetting the breaker. It happened Friday (and I had a tantrum because I had really sore knees and couldn't take a shower), but we reset it and it worked fine through Saturday. Happened again Sunday evening and Lizzy noted that it seemed to be more frequent. 

And now today. Monday. Today it won't even reset at all. My dishwasher is running a cold load of dishes, evidently, because my dishwasher doesn't heat the water on its own. Grand.

So I went online, and Google told me that replacing a water heater costs about a thousand dollars, maybe $1200. It's a small house (mobile home), with a small water heater (30 gallons, I think), so I can probably scrape that up (while I stayed well within my budget for Fun Things, etc., that does not mean that my savings accounts are reasonable yet... since the last plumbing disaster). I googled how to get a water heater replaced and Home Depot said they would have a trusted, bonded, insured, sensitive clever, well-mannered, considerate, partner call me. Awesome; maybe we can work something out.

No. Not really. For $2369, we are unlikely to be able to work something out.

Why so expensive? Apparently, 30-gallon ones don't exist anymore. Well, nothing much bigger is going to fit in this tiny closet on my back porch.

Now what the hell do I do?

In the past when there has been some sort of water problem, we've gone to my mom's house a block or so away and used her stuff (thanks, mom) but I can't do that right now - I can't drive and it's not a straight, grid-layout block with a sidewalk; it would take me ages to crutch my way up there. 

At least we can flush a toilet this time and the issue is hot water. We can heat it on the stove if we have to, and Lizzy already has done, cleaning out the crisper drawers in the fridge. But I also can't freaking carry it anywhere, not while using crutches.

So I write it all down, as one does (if one is me) in my patented sarcastic way, and that helps with the emotional, aaaarrrrgggghhh part of today's programming. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Wish me luck.

Help, Please

Please read the whole thing before jumping in.

A bitmoji cartoon of a
wavy-haired brunette
person with an apple.

I've been dithering about how to phrase this for about 24 hours, so I'm just going to say it: I need to lose weight.

I'm going to get eye-rolls and oversimplistic "solutions" from folks who don't share my physical, mental, emotional, medical, hormonal, dietary, neurodivergent, financial, etc. limitations. No Nike "just do it" please, and no remarks about willpower. If it was simply willpower, I'd have done it already.

I'm possibly going to get annoyance and disappointment from those of my friends who (quite rightly) feel that we should love our bodies how they are and not be concerned about whether we meet societal expectations, etc. And honestly, I'm not all that fussed about how I look according to society; I'm fat and as far as society goes, I'm just fine with that.

But I have also messed up both of my knees now. Those knees, my sleep apnea, my blood pressure, and my asthma are exacerbated by extra weight, and I'm the only parent Lizzy has left.

I'm lactose intolerant, mildly allergic to whey protein, have IBS triggered by these and some vegetables, a certain amount of food trauma from adolescence, and my food sensitivities are worse in springtime because of other allergies. Perimenopause is a complicating factor as well, because why not? I do not have a specific eating disorder but I have disordered eating habits. I know what to do - as in I know what's good for me personally - but I struggle with portion size, timing, and emotional eating.

There has been a lot to emotionally-eat about for several years now.

I (usually) get a reasonable amount of exercise (60-90 minutes a day), although not a lot of it at the moment because of that Other Knee injury. My Apple Watch and its fitness app have me striving to complete those rings and I am here for it. Gamifying usually works well for me. Weight Watchers or SparkPeople notsomuch, though I haven't tried them recently. I am not interested in weight-loss surgeries or medication options. I already meditate at least once a day. And I'm not going to respond well to let-go-and-let-God suggestions.

What I am looking for here is recommendations for apps, groups, plans, programs, etc. I have already tagged my therapist in on this topic, and I'm about to tag my PCP ditto.

Happy to take hugs and care reacts. Not okay with tots and pears or snarky remarks. Just serious recommendations, please.

Dude, Seriously?

So... blew out the other knee.

An annoyed-looking Bitmoji cartoon of a
curly-haired brunette with the caption
"SRSLY?!" in a speech bubble.

This is the one I use for work, so... bad words have been uttered, loudly and indiscriminately. Especially when I stubbed my toe on the opposite foot. On the crutch, lol, just to make things even more ironic.

Dear Universe, please stop using me for your April Fools jokes.

Anyway, at this moment about 14 hours after I hit the ER this morning, I have random tidbits of information, some interesting, some useful, some just funny (as my sense of humor is reasserting itself).

I can't work until at least next Monday, after I see the orthopedist on Friday. The Monday in question - April 8th - is the first day of spring break for me, my younger child, and my students. This gives me extra time to recover. Lizzy's trip to the aquarium on the 6th (and then a sleepover) with her besties will either have to be with a different driver for the outing part of the festivities or be pushed to summer break. I won't be able to drive yet, and I certainly won't be able to walk around the aquarium; look what traipsing all over SakuraCon did for to me!

But just in case this ends up being longer term than a couple of weeks, I plan to contact the company through which I get tech writing gigs and tell them my availability is for more hours than usual... at least after I talk to the ortho. I suck at being idle for longer than a day or so... so I did a lot of phone calling and online stuff.

Lizzy is an excellent nurse. She even has that gently-bullying-the-patient-into-taking-their-meds skill down. I knew this because I'm asthmatic, but it was nice to see anyway.

There are a whole lot of other things I can do - some of which I have already done. 

I linked my MyCharts between the hospital and my regular doctor. Now I can see X-rays and follow-ups in the same login! No bone damage on the X-rays as far as they can see; it looks like SSDL (same shit different leg).

I called and canceled my physical therapy for this week, and alerted them that next week might be rather more involved.

I discovered that some of the medical jargon around messed-up joints is downright hilarious, at least in the moment. Who knew that a knee could be "internally deranged?" It makes it sound like my knee is having some sort of psychotic breakdown.

I stayed hydrated and did not overeat today, as hydration is important for healing, and obesity (which is already considerable in my case) just makes recovery take longer and hurt more. To that end, I ordered healthy and portable snacks (that can fit in a pocket, of which I attained lots at the Other Knee party last year).

I set my Apple Fitness goals wayyy down today. I'll set them a little higher tomorrow. I can still use my little hand weights after all.

Abby and I plan to do laundry tomorrow. I can fold as long as she brings me things and puts them away.

So, as usual, I've got this. I'm pissed that I'm in a position to be required to "got this" but here we are.

Things That Bug Me Today

Things that bug me on any given day are legion. Some of them are major issues, but some are very minor, even by my own definition. So I decided to share a random sampling of such things.

Bitmoji Cartoon of a woman with
dark hair in a topknot,
rolling her eyes.

1. This is a big one, although it seems fairly petty until you look deeply, and I think I've mentioned it before. People who feel the need (especially on social media) to insert their own opinion (especially when they express it as though it were fact) into every. single. thing they see. Examples:
1. My state governor expressing sadness at the death of a Supreme Court Justice and half a dozen people jumping on him about his covid masking policies.
2. Random American Jewish-Orthodox women showing interesting ways to cover their hair or eat Kosher, and getting horrible replies holding their simply being Jewish as equivalent to the behavior of the Israeli government.
3. Similarly, the assertion that anybody non-Christian is evil, oppressed, or both.
2. I have also mentioned this one before: just because something squicks you does not mean it's a crime against God or nature or anything else.
3. The left lane on the freeway may be For Crime (the crime of speeding according to many people I love and respect) but the GoodToGo lanes are not. I'm going 60mph (the speed limit) in a government vehicle (school district sedan) and folks get mad at me for going too slow. The students in my car don't need to see your rude gestures or hear your horn as you pass me like I'm not moving.
4. Written about this one as well: just because you play a company's game or watch a person's video does not mean that you have the right to dictate content. If you don't like the content, get out.
1. On this note, American First Amendment rights do not apply to random YouTubers; your freedom of speech means that the U.S. Government can't tell you what to say (aside from bombs in airports or fire in a crowded theater, etc). It does not give you the right to be a complete asshat to content creators on social media without consequences. Today I saw someone shouting But Muh Rights because they weren't allowed to be a transphobic jerk on a Facebook page run by a Canadian.
2. The need to be right about everything is not something I understand, hence my recent posts about staying the hell off controversial topics on Facebook.
5. Cognitive Dissonance hurts my brain.
6. Not everything is about your pet cause. Or mine. Or anyone else's.
7. I'm going nondairy (usually I allow myself a single serving a day, generally a serving of yogurt for breakfast) for the duration of Tree Sex Season.
8. I wonder if the “Royal Experts” are self-styled folks who talk a good game or if they actually work/live/hang with royals. Either way, they irritate me, because I just wanna look at the pretty dresses and fancy outfits. So strange to have someone whose actual job it is to give opinions on what’s going on in famous people’s lives. I mean, there's a category called "Royal Expert." Can anyone be one? Is there a union? The royal equivalent of press credentials?
9. Having written this out, I feel less annoyed. This is par for the course. And my intent.

Random Post Number XXXXXXX

A Bitmoji rendition of me, a chubby
brunette woman with her hair in a messy
topknot, wearing blue and rainbow tye-dye,
shrugging and looking confused.

Honestly, I have no idea what ADHD garden path we're going to walk down in this post. I guess we'll see when we get there.

Work breaks are weird because they disrupt my comfy neurodivergent routines. I spent Tuesday feeling anxious because I hadn't made a to-do list for the week, Wednesday rather less so because the list was made, and Thursday/Friday contented except that my neighbors (not my immediate neighbors in the actual neighborhood, just people in my area) are being absolute NIMBYs.

Heh - my ND is full of NT NIMBYs.

Many of them are also awfully I've-got-mine-so-screw-you types or the open-schools-now types. I have mentioned those before.

I'm kind of dreading Monday morning because it's supposed to snow and that may well start another round of "my house across the street from the school is clear so why can't we open?" bullshit. Probably with extra who-will-plow-my-street from one batch of people, and everything-I-don't-like-is-socialist from the other side.

A picture of a snowplow with the 
legend "A socialist snowplow just
went past my house.
Will this tyranny never end?"

Arg.

Deep breaths, Jenn.

Evidently I'm still a trifle grumpy.

Hibernation season, or perimenopause. Or both.

Oh! My mom had a milestone birthday last weekend and it was kind of epic. Such a fun weekend and a great party. Even the kids enjoyed themselves. We had some deep talk and some really lighthearted stuff and great food and awesome gifts and funny party favors for the elders, provided by the birthday girl.

And Lizzy finally got to give Grandpa and step-Grandma the Christmas present she got for them the week after we celebrated the holidays with them. That was nice.

Abby was accepted to her university of choice! There wasn't any real doubt, but it was still great to find out for sure. Funny that she got the acceptance email while she and I were having our taxes done.

That's a Good Thing. Tax refunds are in the offing. Yes, I know I don't have to give money to the federal government to hold for me until March each year. No, I don't want to change it. This is one of those iPhone vs Android issues and I'm not discussing that today. Don't bother.

It's been a year since The Knee Injury. I can walk without trouble now, but if I've just come from a physical therapy session or I know I'll be walking for a long time, especially on uneven ground, I still bring the cane with me. It's more moral support than physical at this point.

I did cut back on my iWatch goals several weeks ago, because I had bronchitis. I'm fine now (and the goals are back up), but still have a little bit of residual cough-wheeze and my stamina is down.

I should buy more masks. This is also not up for debate. Me wearing a mask does not hurt you in any way so just don't.

Wow, this post is extra ranty. I didn't know I was in such a pissy mood. Usually writing this down helps, as it did on Tuesday with the lack of a list, but evidently not today.

I'm going back to laundry/reading/videogames until I can safely interact with other humans.