Why So Mean?

I don't like it when people disagree, online or off; I tend to avoid conflict. And people who know me (or read this blog regularly) know this. I'm getting better at setting (and keeping) boundaries, but I still avoid conflict when I can.

My usual snarky picture for the FAFO crowd;
it shows a Bitmoji cartoon version of me,
a fair-skinned brunette woman looking embarrassed
with the caption OOPSIE WOOPSIE.

Oh, I've gotten into my share of Internet arguments, but I try really hard not to be an asshat, not call names, avoid bringing families (especially children) into it, only fight about the important things rather than whatever randomly irks me, etc. I don't even indulge my grammar notsee tendencies anymore (unless it's actually my job to do so, such as for work or in proofreading my kids' essays). I will freely admit to a certain amount of Schadenfreude regarding people Finding Out after Fucking Around, but I generally limit that to a single snarky remark or meme and then let it go.

So in addition to the people who can't believe that the metaphorical leopard is eating their face after voting for the face-eating leopard party, I really do not understand hate followers/people who think their pet peeve is holy writ/those whiners who complain about stuff appearing in their feed when they have just interacted with it with said complaint.

I've talked about that before too, ad nauseum, so right now I'm diving a little deeper into those folks who feel the need to dictate to/complain at completely harmless vloggers. I mean, I don't understand it, exactly, but I at least have a glimmering of why someone would be annoyed/offended by, say, local politicians or comedians who are punching them when punching up. The truth hurts, after all, and if a stand-up comedian has just punctured your self-satisfied, self-righteous balloon with a well-aimed remark, it's at least comprehensible that you could be upset. Even Mrs Frazzled, as much as I adore her posts, I can understand why folks might not like them. It still doesn't explain hate-following, but maybe she appreciates the views, since her posts are clearly political snark.

But the irritating habit of, say, holding a random New York-based Jewish woman responsible for the crap going down in Palestine? Her vlog isn't even about politics. Or people calling folks like this guy (he makes amazing meals for his wife and daughter and speaks in a very calm kinda ASMR voice) a "beta cuck" because he's making fancy food rather than working a 9-to-5 and a "pedo" because they think his voice is creepy, constantly asserting that "kids won't eat that" because their kids wouldn't, etc etc... those people really annoy me. 

Just scroll on if you don't like his voice or his serving food with chopsticks or his kid eating sushi. Don't yuck other people's yum; there's no call for that. 

Those Tarnished Silver Linings

Bitmoji rendition of a thumbs-up

I've been listening to (and introducing my teenager to) Tom Lehrer's more politically satirical songs. This has given me glimmers of hope because, well, a lot of this stuff has gone down before. The details are different, to be sure, and we hear more about it more quickly (thanks, Internet), but still, a lot of it is SSDD. So a (somewhat tarnished) silver lining of this ridiculous situation that my country is in is that my teenager is - sometimes in spite of herself - more interested in twentieth-century history.

Her thoughts on Wernher von Braun are priceless, but not quoted here without her permission, which I can't ask her for because she is at school. Which is another silver lining; she is enjoying school for the first time in about nine years... but that took almost nine years of massive anxiety and testing and stress and therapy and angst to find the right fit.

I am usually pretty good at finding that silver lining (no matter how tarnished) in any given situation (no matter how grim) and these days it's pretty much a requirement for sanity if one is not an off-grid hermit on a remote mountaintop or something. It's not always big, and it often takes a while, but I can usually manage eventually. Sometimes there's even guilt attached, because I'm the sort who feels guilty about almost everything, just as I worry about almost everything. That's what therapy is for, after all.

I fail to see the silver lining for most of what's going on in the world these days, but little things - like Lizzy enjoying Tom Lehrer and learning from it, or the situation with certain companies giving me that push to order my favorite goodies directly from the manufacturer and benefiting thereby - these things are the silver linings I speak of.

I'm Sorry...

Sorry to break it to you, that is.

A cartoon of a thumbs-down
emerging from a blue sleeve

I have news; you are not the be-all and end-all, your opinion is not fact, and other people/skin tones/genders/sexualities/belief systems/opinions have a right to exist.

Shocking, I know, and I'm probably screaming into the void, but here we are.

Again.

So I'm putting on my mommy-lecture hat here, because I know that many of you in the US were brought up similarly to me. But some of you seem to have forgotten the lessons from Sesame Street and Star Trek and Mr Rogers, and that's not even including the houses of worship and their lessons. When did "Love thy Neighbor" become "shame the needy?" That's rhetorical. I know when; it's when money outweighed everything else in our so-called society. God forbid we have a civilization where people are kind to one another.

Do you not remember the oh-so-subtle Let That Be Your Last Battlefield when you decry how "woke" and "obvious" Star Trek has become? Or that Doctor Who is actually about change and transformation when you complain that we have (heaven forbid) a Black Doctor who cries when he's enraged and despairing, or when he kisses other characters? I know there were a few people who objected to "hanky-panky on the TARDIS" but it was nothing like this violent dislike. And again, these dislikes are opinions, so please state them as such; they are not facts.

But I digress.

For some of you, it seems to be sour grapes. If you don't enjoy something, whether it be children's books with families different from yours or Black Time Lords who show emotions other than rage or the mere thought of people getting something you didn't get when you were a kid, then no one should enjoy these things, and you will do your damndest to make sure no one does.

Even if it means supporting people who go against everything you say you believe in. Even if it means just being chill or even defensive about folks you did not - could not - vote for being in unregulated positions of power. Even if it means considering people who have lived here their whole lives but were not born here as "the enemy." Even if it means being awful to children. Even if it means people are hurt by it, as long as they're not your people.

They're not hurting you. It's not about you. They're just trying to survive.

Example 1: Someone writes a children's book where one of the many families has two parents of the same gender. You don't want your kid to see that and that's fine. I think it's a little misguided of you, but they're your kid; it's your call. But trying to get that book banned, even from the school library? Not your call. Not about you, and you don't get to decide what other people's kids can see.

Example 2: A dear family friend died last week. Of course I want to know the details; I loved them too, and they were there for me and mine when my own husband died eight and a half years ago. But their immediate family is not ready to talk to the world yet, so it's not my business or my call, and I'm not going to nag them about it.

I said above that we were brought up in similar ways. I thought that was true. But a lot of you don't seem to care about basic decency to others anymore; you're hung up on money (in an "I've got mine, so fuck 'em" sense) and sex or disability or gender (in an, "ew, that makes me uncomfy so it must be eeeevil" sense). I'm sure there are other categories, but those seem to be the main two. Unless you count a complete lack of critical thinking.

In addition to the horrors some are turning a blind eye to, that just makes me sad. Sad for my people, my country, my generation. Just sad.

This is the first time ever that writing it out in my blog hasn't helped, even a little bit.

Nothing Ever Changes...

A bitmoji cartoon of a hand emerging
from a blue sleeve and giving a thumbs-up

...until it does.

The basics of the world I live in are the same. Fantastic creators who do terrible things, half of my country voting for the awful folks, the other half not stopping it because of... I dunno for sure, but I suspect it was that perfection is the enemy of progress, the horrible week I had last week (nothing really happened that was bad, but it was just an exhausting week - the death of a thousand papercuts), and then we came to my first therapy session of the year.

Which is on Mondays now instead of Tuesdays, and that's a change. I got used to Tuesdays. But my therapist is a human too, and she needed to change it away from Tuesdays. She gave me plenty of lead time, so that was fine, although I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't Tuesday.

And then she dropped a bomb on me. "Okay, Jenn," she said, "Abby is basically an adult now, since she is legally one, living away at school. Lizzy's not but she is much less childlike and dependent than she used to be (editor's note: Lizzy is 17, a junior in high school, and a pretty capable kid, especially now that she's in a school situation that she likes). Now is probably a good time to start thinking about what you want to do with yourself once they're grown."

Well, shit, that's a lot to think about. I mean, she's right, of course, but still.

So let's just break it down. What do I want to do with my life (she asks herself, at 56)?

I need to get more work (my job with the school district is one I love, but it's part-time); a good third of my household's income vanishes when Lizzy graduates high school (if not before, given the political situation, but that may be pure cynicism on my part). I have a list of things I want to do to my house (I own a mobile home and rent the land) from replacing an outdoor faucet and some flooring and appliances to getting the inside painted and having blinds professionally installed. I would like to travel some (although that is something I'd like to do with Lizzy as well... and my therapist said that this exercise isn't meant to exclude the kids; it's just what I want to do when neither of them needs so much hands-on parenting).

I said that I'd been thinking about pursuing an actual up-to-date diagnosis of whatever it is that was classed as "hyperactive with learning disabilities and short-term memory/sequencing deficits" (or something like that) in the early 1980s. Lizzy calls it "Mom's half an autism diagnosis" and she's not really wrong; when you look at hers (2017) and mine side-by-side they are nearly identical. The problem with that - at my age - is that it doesn't really get me anything. If I were still a kid it could get me some official accommodations in school and even as it is, "learning disabled" counts as an ADA thing for the purposes of higher education. 

Assessments as an adult are very seldom covered by insurance, and goodness knows I have decades of coping mechanisms that serve me in good stead so I don't really need things like ADHD meds. So basically, to look into this in depth would be a prohibitive out-of-pocket cost with no real gain but a piece of paper from a neurologist saying that I have what I already have. Seems silly. So I probably won't be doing that unless there's a phenomenal influx of cash and I can do it just for fun. 

My main goals end up being to "get better pay, improve the house, and travel." That seems pretty good.

As Usual...

A bitmoji cartoon of a fair-skinned
brunette-with-blue woman waving
at the camera, with the caption "HELLO"

Yes, as usual, where usual means for the past five New Years (including today). No resolutions, not even goals. Just a phrase, or a single word, or maybe not even that. But definitely not the resolutions or goals. Check the side links if you want to see them.

I happened to have a therapy session today, and she asked me, "If you could sum up the year as a book with chapters and a summary, tell me what it would be called."

Okay, I like to write, so I can take a stab at this. 

The book is called Rolling with the Punches: The Sequel (because the first book in the imaginary series covered 2016; check out the links on the side for details). The back cover blurb says, "One woman's take on a tough year of injury, uncivil countrypeople, and internet wackadoodles," and I'm sure there are glowing reviews from other authors who like my informal, conversational style and my rants against Grammarly.

The book is broken into five chapters. Winter Blues  (January 1-March 29), No Spring in My Step (March 30-May 28), Laid-Up Summer (May 29-August 9), Frantic Fall (August 10-November 6), and The Story Continues (November 7-December 31). The overarching theme throughout is rolling with the punches, and each chapter has a separate sub-theme indicated in the chapter title... seasonal affective disorder, knee injury at SakuraCon, surgery and recovery, getting kiddos ready for the new school year and me ready to go back to work (since Abby went away to school for the first time; she did her associates degree at our local community college), and all the effort, dread and hope involved in getting Lizzy to a school where she thrives... and my country into a very scary place for people I love. That last chapter would be as frantic as (and more upsetting than) the one before it if it weren't for me going Facebook Lite. 

I even dropped about two hours a day of phone use since I removed FB from my phone and I only access it from my desktop computer. And the only drawbacks I've noticed (I can't access the neighborhood page I admin or photos I haven't kept on my phone) are far outweighed by the lessened stress.

Random Thoughts, December 2024

I'm still going Facebook Lite, though it's been refined somewhat: I took it off my phone but I still have it on my computer. This means that when it's not a workday I'm on a lot more often, but I'm also still curating my feed. I follow a lot fewer public figures than before because I can't tolerate all the hate-follower types. I still get plenty of the jerks who think that Trek/comics/Who/insert-fandom is "suddenly woke" and who assume their opinion is law, but it's a lot easier to ignore those when you're no longer also dealing with the haters on every. single. post.

Regarding the UHC CEO who was killed. Mostly the theories I see are that a) it was a professional hit or b) the shooter lost someone important to them because of denial of benefits. I find it hard to care, in a schadenfreude sort of way. I know some people who are absolutely delighted, but I am not. EDIT, because I was not clear: This is in part because I feel bad for his family and I'm kind of appalled that it has come to this. The other part is because I simply don't have that much energy to spare, especially during Hibernation Season. The most interesting theory I have heard is that the shooter himself is terminal due to denied claims and therefore has nothing to lose. I prefer this sort of thing in episodes of Leverage, myself.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. Lizzy and I drove/ferried over to Whidbey Island to meet my dad and stepmom for brunch and a holiday concert. The brunch was excellent, and the concert was fun, especially during the singalong portions. The fact that I know the cello part and the alto voice part of the Hallelujah Chorus makes for a bit of confusion though. After the concert, as we were halfway up Whidbey Island anyway, the plan was to drive north and take the bridge across to see the holiday light display at the Tulalip Casino Resort. My GPS desperately wanted us not to do this (because of a four-minute slowdown on I-5 southbound) and kept routing us down to the ferry dock in the south end, but in the end, I prevailed.

A very small sample of
holiday lights at Tulalip

We found out toward the end of that drive that the slowdown was actually because of the holiday lights; a lot of them can be seen from the freeway. Silly GPS. We had fun; it was a very nice day/evening. I'm a little sore, in a second-day-of-ski-season way, but I walked more than three miles. The last time I did that was actually at the SakuraCon that triggered my torn meniscus, so I feel pretty good about my improvement there. I'm sure my physical therapist will be pleased!

I forgot how big Whidbey Island is!

Abby should be home for the holidays late this week, so that will be nice. We will have to wait until after her birthday though. 😞  But everything is ready!